The Long Ball Tactic

‘Arry’s Mems: You can win everything with kids

Posted in 'Arry's Mems by mike on November 8, 2009

Oh Ian Wright. Has your TV career meant you now have less time to write ridiculous columns claiming you don’t know who some Premiership footballers are? It seems so. There is a void. Steve Claridge won’t keep me going forever. If only someone else got paid by Mr Murdoch’s media empire to write unadulterated tosh.

Wait…what’s that?


WAYNE ROONEY’S baby son Kai should be giving Premier League defences sleepless nights


Ah! Step forward, former Seattle Sounders player-assistant manager, Harry Redknapp!


In this exciting edition of ‘Arry’s Mems the Redknapp speculates on what effect becoming a father will have on Wayne Rooney. In fact, before I copy any more of the article let’s just have a little quiz amongst ourselves on what conclusions the Spurs boss will draw.

How will Wayne Rooney’s son affect his ability to kick a ball twice a week?

A) No effect whatsoever

B) He will be late to training, due to being locked in a washing machine by mischievous prankster child

C) He will win the World Cup, mainly due to having become a father.


If your answer was C) then you are a winner! It was pretty obvious really, wasn’t it?


For Wayne’s transition into fatherhood will give him added maturity on and off the pitch.

It can only help Manchester United and England.

England is crying out for him to bring back the World Cup and having a kid will have surprising benefits.


So, there you go. I can’t wait for the summer of 2010 now. I can just picture it – after the scenes of excitement and jubilation die down, after the shots of Wayne Rooney slotting the World Cup winning goal past a helpless German ‘keeper have been played and re-played, after all of the nation has come together as one to celebrate winning the World Cup – in a TV studio in South Africa three men will take time to reflect:


Lineker: So, there you have it – England victorious. But how did we get here, Alan and Mark? Was it the appointment of Capello? Was it Fabio’s surprise decision to call up versatile Scunthorpe United midfielder Matthew Sparrow to his World Cup squad? What was the turning point for you?

Hansen: Well, you can bang on about a good team mentality and all that all you like. But for me there’s one reason and one reason only why England have won this World Cup – Kai Rooney.

[Lawro nods sagely, whilst eating a Kit Kat]

Without Kai there’d be no maturity in Wayne’s game and England would have been on the plane home after the quarter finals. It’s like I’ve always said, Gary, you can’t win anything without kids.

Linker: Indeed. Mark, turning point for you?

Lawro: Urgh, well I hate to say it Gary, but I agree with Alan.

[good natured chuckling erupts amongst the three]

I mean, I don’t usually like kids. In fact, they’re the bain of my life. Before we came out here to South Africa I went in my local shop to stock up on sweets and some kids had been in before me and bought all the gobstoppers!

[takes a moment to compose himself]
But yeah, it’s hard to look past Colleen popping out a tot as the reason England won this World Cup.

Lineker: Well, I think we can all agree on that one then. Thank you, Kai Rooney.

[the self-satisfied laughing of Harry Redknapp rings out across the land, as a nation celebrates]



2 Responses

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  1. Dr. Nigel Pearson said, on November 12, 2009 at 8:16 pm

    Nov 8: “Wayne Rooney slotting the World Cup winning goal past a helpless German ‘keeper”
    Nov 10: Germany goalkeeper Robert Ekne commits suicide

    Oliver Bierhoff must be hoping you don’t use a similar critique on his other players. The pen is mightier than the sword

  2. Prof. Nigel Adkins said, on November 12, 2009 at 8:56 pm

    Good grief!

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